God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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