dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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