the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
