took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
