Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
