Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
