I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
