I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
