i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
