The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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