I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just invented taco cereal.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
