i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
