He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
