the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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