So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
