I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
