I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
