my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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