I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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