When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
