I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
