I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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