we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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