I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
