I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
