he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
