he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
