Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
