He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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