you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
