Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner