I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
