my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
