I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
