Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
