Tell her she can't have a vagina
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
