Will you blow on my dice?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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