i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
