I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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