Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
