This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
