Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
