I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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