You made me cry and you don't even care
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My dad is sitting where you rode me
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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