I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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