Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
