never play flip cup with pint glasses
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
