I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
