I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
