You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
