She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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