Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
