She is in my trunk
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
