By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
